Hello, avid blog reader!  This is one of the rare instances of my pouring my actual thoughts out onto the internet where I feel insulated enough to actually tell you what I really think.  I don't think that any of my friends or acquaintances have any idea that this blog exists, so I am free to tell you what I think.

Trust me, I think a LOT.

I am a writer, philosopher, nerd, lonely person, and cat-lover.  Those terms don't define me, but they do describe me.  I live in a relatively unknown New York state city, am owned by a cadre of felines, and since you are joining this broadcast in the middle, I'll just tell you that I have an eventful life.  I do not want one.  I live alone and have virtually no family, so my life should be calm and boring.

It isn't.

I spent the last month trying to find a girlfriend and got way more than I planned for.  I was looking for a younger woman (I am 53 and single, childless), when I got a message from a 26 year old girl from Maryland  apparently who was mute and wanted to come up to my place and have lots of sex.  I was suspicious.

At 18, I'd have gone to meet her.

At 35, I'd have paid to have her come here.

At 53, I have serious reservations.

No matter how you want to look at it, time changes us.  Rather than running headlong into the maw of uncertainty and possible sex, I now think, 'well, what if she robs my shit while I am gone working or something?'  I don't even know this girl.  Sex works on young guys, and probably sometimes on older ones, too.   We are mostly all 'dawgs', but some of us are of the 'learn from your mistakes' school.  I am not a handsome man.  I am not particularly ugly either, but there is no reason for a girl so pretty and young to pick me over about a thousand other better and younger men.  It was a bit much.

My dilemma was this:  I couldn't find a single thing wrong with her story or anything on the internet that would suggest that she wasn't on the level.  She claimed that her ex-boyfriend was abusive and she is mute, so she left and went to live with her sister in Jersey this past month.  I was apparently the first man to give her any attention on the dating website on which I found her.  In the third email  I got from her, she asked me to pay for her gas money (she called it 'funding her' which I found curious) so that she could come to my apartment to have sex (the letter also mentioned her insatiable sex drive) and get to know me better.  She asked me to help her find a job here.

As I said.  I am suspicious.

So I wrote her an email before I went to work Thursday night.  More than 24 hours ago.  I told her that I am highly intelligent and what did she mean by me 'funding' her coming to me?  How much money are we talking about?  She normally writes me back within 12 hours.  It has been 35 hours now, and she has been quiet as a mouse.  By my jaded mind she has either found another, younger and more naive guy to take advantage of.  and I am just too much trouble to bother with.  I am too smart.  Too careful to be 'taken'.

Maybe I am just too smart for my own fucking good.

But I am still here.  Still alive.  Still pristine.  Still not sure.

Still alone.

L8R

Sunwolf